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Last Saturday, I gathered together a bundle of cash and a friend and went in search of pubs in Brighton id never been to before. We went to 10 in total and this is just the beginning. Part II is already in discussion. For each pub we wrote a short bullet point review using the back of old flyers id never got round to giving out.

Here’s what me and Jack got up to:

2:11 pm
Prince of Wales
This is that strange pub next to Churchill Square (next to the burger stand/JD sports). This has been here forever, yet no one that I spoke to had ever been in there. There is a definite reason for this. Upon entrance my hung-over stomach was turned by the sight of two old men struggling through a plate of sausages, chips and beans and the whiff of dementia. It was so bad infact, that I had to leave and let Jack get the first round in. Before I turned though I did manage to see some odd WWII pictures that adorned the walls. It said stuff like “NICE TRY ADOLF!” The pints we had were sour and the entertainment consisted of an old hippie wailing through Plan B songs with an acoustic guitar outside. I did see an 8-year-old kid jump a flight of steps on a Micro Scooter though. Big ups.

According to our notes this got a 0/10 but the ‘Nazi Shit’ got a +2 so..

Overall – 2/10

3:07pm
The Iron Duke
After a brief stop in Primark for some shoes and sunglasses, we walked to Waterloo Street in Hove to this boozer / hotel due to being told it showed the football, which it promptly did.
Was a nice vibe in here, although a few too many children for our liking. However that said, it did manage to have a pool table, 3 big screens and a function room without being a shithole, which I suppose is some kind of achievement. Plus Peroni on tap, which is always a bonus.

We gave the Iron Duke a 7/10 but Jack started moaning later in the day and this was turned into a retrospective…

Overall: 6/10

3:50pm
The Paris….Something
At half time in the football we decided it was time to move on. Tried to go to CAPS SPORTS BAR on Western Road but it wasn’t showing the football. Worst sports bar ever? So after I threw a little strop we decided the football was rubbish anyway so went to a newly refurbished The Juggler; which is now called The Paris Something. The first thing we were greeted with was a basket of baguettes and croissants. If you know me and jack this was an automatic +1 for us. When it came to ordering drinks though, we were promptly told they “only sold half pints”. Rubbish. Interior was acceptable, even if it did feel a bit like Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen had been let loose in a Cafe Rouge.

According to our notes the lack of whole pints got them -5 but an extra point for making our hands look bigger.

Overall: 4/10

4:30pm
The Conqueror
Found this pub my mistake while looking for a different pub. Its located behind The Old Market venue was we were pleasantly surprised. It showed the football, was in a nice quiet location and food sounded like it might actually have been tasty.

According to our notes the carpets to the toilet were ‘springy’ and it got a +1 for having a “friendly dog with big balls”. Plus Jack liked the fact it held a Meat Raffle there every Sunday.

Overall: 6.5 / 10

5:26pm
Robin Hood
Had never been here but had heard good things. All profits from this pub go to charity once all bills and wages are paid, which even in my cynical brain is still a definite nice touch. We were starting to get a bit drunk by this point so the notes get a bit more obscure. We got very excited that there was bunting hanging off the walls apparently, and the barmaid got a +1 for knowing that Jack fancied her. The size of the place surprised us, as it looks very small from the outside and the decor was comfortable, albeit very “standard Brighton pub”.

According to our notes we very much liked the fact they sold Rizlas and Filters here. Although that was probably just because had been Jack poncing both off me all day.

Overall: 6.5/10

6:21pm
Rock’n'Roller
This definitely isn’t a pub but we were both dying for a piss so were forced in here by our weak bladders. This is a Pool hall / restaurant / bar for West Street types who have grown tired of the Gammon and Chips at Wetherspoons. It’s situated opposite Waitrose on Western Road and is actually a lovely building that has been many things over the years. Paid £10 for an hour of pool but left after 25 minutes. Bar staff were very friendly but apparently “Jack felt nervous as he entered”. Also all pints were served in plastic glasses, which meant an automatic -5.

According to our notes the toilets were “missions/out of breath”

Overall: 3/10

6:56
Prince Arthur
Hadn’t even known this pub had existed until we (literally) stumbled upon it after finding the similarly situated Shakespeare’s Head closed on a Saturday night? No idea what was happening there. The Prince Arthur looked inviting as we walked up the road (Just up from McDonalds on Western Road if memory serves) with nice benches, flowers and lights. Jack even marked the pub a +1 for the “nice lights” so they must’ve been fucking good lights. Walking inside was a different kettle of fish however. Was extremely sterile and also extremely empty, except for two queens propping up the bar. Got our drinks and sat outside. We were quickly joined by the landlord who in fairness was extremely friendly if slightly defensive about his pub. We told him we were writing a review and he offered us a free roast if we came back on Sunday, which was very kind. Don’t think we’ll be taking him up on his offer however.

According to our notes the selection of beer was shit and the clientele was marked as “none”. Being next to McDonalds got it a +1 though.

Overall – 5/10

7:47
Kings Arms
At this point in the evening we were joined by Nick, our “Cock Friendly” friend. With this in mind we decided to head into Kemptown to sample some more of what the Brighton gay scene had to offer. I actually have no idea whether this is a gay pub or not actually…it all gets a bit hazy at this point. I’ll let the notes do the talking:

- Gay Bar at Butlins -1 (!?!)
- Nicks here +2
- Old Dj + 1
- Not sour beer
- BANKSY -20 (The walls were covered in banksy prints, I remember that much)

Overall: 3/10

8:35
The Queens Arms
Now we actually cheated here, cos we’d all been to this gem before. If you’ve never been to the Queens Arms before (which really wouldn’t be that surprising, even if you are gay) then let me break it down for you: Its a cabaret bar situated opposite the Kings Arms off St James St. The name of the road escapes me but its up from the Starbucks. It has a plethora of critically acclaimed cabaret stars, such as my favourite; (who we had missed unfortunately) Robbie. Its camp beyond belief and also slightly scary for gay and straight alike. I remember it had huge Oscars all over the place for some reason, and also quite possibly the least convincing drag queen I have ever seen. Not for the squeamish, but definitely a laugh.

Here’s the notes we took – I don’t really know what we were on about:

- Atmosphere +9 (!)
- Weird Bloke +10 – Then crossed out and changed to +3
- Decor +5
- Friendly Guy +5
- General Wrongness +10
- General Wrongness -10

Overall 7/10

9:20
Marine Tavern
We went here because the landlord of the Prince Arthur had told us it was the smallest pub in Brighton. However he was clearly chatting absolute balls. All I remember from being in here is having an absolute screaming argument about Gay Saunas and the landlady asking us if we wanted a microphone. I’m going to have to let the notes do the talking here again, not that I can really make any of Jacks scribblings out. They really are the scrawlings of a madman:

- Arguments +6
- Decor Fucheng (…)
- Being looked at by everyone +5
- Conrad being here -8

Overall: 5/10

At this point, we left and carried on our arguments in the street. Jack ended up starting on Nick and me ‘cos he thought we were calling him right wing. We then went to meet some less than impressed friends at Fitzherberts and finished the night falling over in the Pav Tav. Classy.

Jack ended up throwing up in his bath and I woke up £120 out of pocket.

Sunday was the worst day of my life.

WINNER = THE QUEENS ARMS (somehow)

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Right, you lucky lot. We’ve got not one, but two, pairs of tickets to give out for London Electronic Dance Festival. The line up looks sick with acts like Soulwax, Aphex Twin, Goldfrapp, oh and David “Damn, who’s a sexy bitch” Guetta.
L.E.D is on the Friday and Saturday of the August bank holiday up in Victoria Park in Hackney, which means you can still visit Notting Hill Carnival on the Sunday.

For complete line up and infomation click here.

To enter to win a pair of ticket simply answer the following question, which one of these albums is by Leftfield?

Leftism

One Love

Ready For the Weekend

Send your answers to editor@smackthat.co.uk the winner will be notified mid august.

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Check out both songs (as well as some pretty dire remixes) on their myspace.

“Raucous joyous skronky dancey whatever-wave with more ideas than time and more pep in its step than a five-year old on a Pixie Stick high” – Pitchfork.

“If Girls Aloud did a duet with New Young Pony Club..” – The Guardian

SEE SPACES by TEETH

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So, much like a well educated smack’ed, the World Cup has begun to filter out the shite, and leave itself with the good stuff. We’ve already said Au revoir to France, Ciao to Italy, and wished most of the African countries a safe trip home on their poorly constructed rafts; seriously you should have seen the bad boy Nigeria rocked up on. I couldn’t tell if it was the fact that they were about to founder that was so terrifying to them, or the fact that Obafemi Martins was trying to prove he wasn’t actually 50 by getting his wily out to prove he still ‘had it’.

Despite being criticized in its first week, the first ever African world cup has truly started to blossom. Did you see the size of the Cameroonian women’s Vuvuzelas? Crikey! We’ve had shocks, goals, tears, and England conforming to almost every single stereotype that has even been placed upon them. Fat cunts that have drank too much? Check. The incredibly annoying band that play none stop throughout every single England match? Check. Alan Shearer cruising around the slums of Johannesburg intimidating people in to supporting England should Banana Banana go out? Check. It really has been great so far don’t you think? But then again, I don’t see how a month of consistent football could not be good? That just doesn’t work in my head.

England so far have failed to set the tournament alight. We’ve played 3 games, accumulated 5 points and on the whole performed rather poorly. The game against Slovenia was by far and away the best we’ve played, but then again we were playing against Slovenia, a country who is licking their lips at the imminent release of the N64 and Nokia 3210. There is no major cause for concern just yet. We’re through, and surprise, surprise we’re coming up against the Germans our ‘biggest’ rivals. It’s sad really that we have this patriotic undertone that we take along to every world cup, when we prey to the lord above that we get drawn against them. Funny thing is the Germans couldn’t give a shit about us, and rightly so. As a nation they have consistently performed better than us, and when they beat us on penalties on Sunday I should think the word ‘BOTHERED’ will spring to mind for every German man and wo…no just man in Bloemfontein. At least we’ll have Beckham doing his best to entertain the cameras from the bench. Aww I love Becks. He’s perfected his different array of acting faces especially for this World Cup. Sad, happy, serious, you name the face and Becks will nail it for you. And you can bet your life that, that’s not the only thing he’s nailed in the last 4 weeks.

So the last 16 has almost taken shape and ENGLAND is on the cusp of greatness. We face a match of epic proportions against our oldest enemy on Sunday. The 3 Lions shall roar, and England shall rise from the ashes to claim the greatest prize of all, bragging rights for the next 10 years to make weekend trips to Berlin with the wife a little more entertaining.

Come on England.

PS I told you South Korea would blag it in to the next round!!!!

Words: Ballgown

Well not quite the start we were hoping for really was it? A real lack of genuine entertainment thus far, and one almighty goalkeeping blunder has brought the first round of games to a somewhat disappointing end.

So lets start with the opening ceremony shall we? It was pretty cack. It Sort of resembled the beginning of the Lion King, but didn’t have the same charm as that haggered old baboon lifting up Simba and presenting him to the animal kingdom. We obviously all found the giant dung beetle rather amusing, yes we really did laugh at it, and I did get quite confused at one point as I saw what appeared to be a giant cunt walking around on the pitch, some strange African thing perhaps? In the end turns out it was just Emmanuel Adebayor.

After that thrilling episode we were treated to Banana Banana vs. Mexico. Not a terrible game to kick things off, but at no point did I get really excited. The impressive South African goal did stir my penis slightly, but to call it a semi would be offensive to semis all over the world. A predictable 1-1 draw wasn’t much of a shock and probably a fair reflection on the game. The other game in the Group consisting of France vs. You’re a gay was so shit, I probably would of rather cut off my foreskin and use it to seal up my eyes than watch it again.

So on to the Saturday when our beloved England were in action. Was it what we were expecting? Yes. Was it what we wanted? No, but this is England we’re talking about. It was such a predictable England performance that anyone who knows anything about football could probably of told you what was going to happen before the game even started. I predicted 1-1 and surprise surprise I was right. An early goal sent expectations soaring, an unsurprising goalkeeping error saw everyone comedown harder than a fat kid on Pancake Day when the batter runs out. I don’t think it’s the end of the world for England, far from it. We will beat Algeria and Slovenia, comfortably I should think, it’s just our luck though that the only team that has looked like winning the competition so far is the bloody Germans.  And then there’s the little matter of Robert Green. Robert what happened mate? How you can let a fucking pea roller from Clint Dempsey, yes that’s CLINT DEMPSEY slip between your sweaty, rapist palms is beyond me. So why don’t you march in to Fabio’s little office, mud hut, hive, whatever he uses an office in this place and ask for your p45 because mate, seriously, you need to prepare for a life time of grief after that. Booing, death threats, you name it, it’s in the post. Moving to the MLS could be an option, you’re the right standard, and after that gift I’m sure the Americans will be more than happy to give you a GREEN card.

The rest of the first week has been pretty mehhhh. A commendable performance from North Korea was a highlight, as was the Swiss beating the Spanish. We can just hope things pick up a bit in the second week. It should become more open when teams need wins to stay in the tournament rather than holding on for draws. On the plus side the hosts look like their going out, so we get rid of a shit team and also a load of annoying shit fucking fans and their stupid Vuvuzelas. Although I do love the player ‘Tshabalaba’ great name son, great name.

Words: Ballgown

Flaaars: “So, what went on with you and Madness back in the day?”

Uncle Matt: “In 1977 and early 1978 quite a few member of Madness used to come to our gigs. They gave me a tape and asked if they could support us. They were called Stage Fright at the time. They used to do gigs at the Dublin Castle in Camden and I think I went along to watch them.
In March 1978 I gave them their break to support us at the Music Machine (later to be called The Camden Palais) in Camden Town. It was the first time they ever used the name Madness. They were brilliant that night and went on to make records with Clive Langer producing them. You should ask your dad about Clive, he played with him in a band called The Meddowes a few years before this.
Suggs continued to come to our gigs. For our Christmas gig at the end of 1978 when Madness already had a couple of hits under their belt Suggs came on stage with us. We were all wearing fezzes. Next thing we knew he was wearing one on TOTP.”

Flaaars: “Cool… What’s all this I hear from family gossip that they copied a ‘Sore Throat’ vinyl cover?”

Uncle Matt: “Oh, the leaning. We did that on our single that came out in August/September 1978. Soon after, ‘Madness’ brought out their album ‘One Step Beyond…’ with a similar pose. But everyone used to borrow from each other. That’s the way it goes, Georgia.”

Ask Dad about ‘Clive’, eh? Maybe I’ll just do that… So, Uncle Matt basically gave Madness their name… Sounds like they were actually inspired by Sore Throat and really looked up to them. I’ve listened to a lot of Sore Throat and they’re well good, it made me wonder what went wrong for them… What stopped them becoming what Madness are? I thought I’d pick at my Dad, Adam’s brain as well.

Flaaars: “So Dad, who’s this ‘Clive Langer’?”

Addy: “Madness’ producer. I met him back when he was at Liverpool Art School where he was in a band called Deaf School. They were doing quite well; I was invited to join but I declined. In the early 70′s he joined my Rock ‘n’ Roll/Free Jazz band The Bombers that I had going with Julian Temple (film director of ‘The Great Rock and Roll Swindle’, ‘The Filth and the Fury’ and ‘Glastonbury’). We then became The Meddowes. He was a very cool cat. Last time I saw him was ’75, don’t know the details of his producing Madness.

Flaaars: “Oh right. So, why do you reckon Sore Throat didn’t succeed as more than just a local band?”

Addy: “They were wrong-footed by punk; the ‘new-wave’. Unlike them, Madness found a ‘groove’- in ska revival, so they succeeded. Sore Throat were too middle class, they didn’t groove to black music. They were doing well in the pub circuit, had a bit of a ‘Police’ sound to them, but they couldn’t do ska reggae… I’ll always remember what Matt used to say to me; “We’re not New Wave, we’re PERMANENT Wave!”… ”

Ok, my Dad has the tendency to waffle, and get an idea in his head and not be able to let go of it; in this case, ‘grooving to black music’ or some shit. There’s no point in my trying to challenge him to this, as he’s very stubborn.

Addy: “Thing is, musicians like Joe Strummer and Hugh Cornwell, they got on the ‘wave’ and converted their bands to Punk/Rock ‘n’ Roll, part of a scene.”

Flaaars: “So, you think Sore Throat didn’t fit themselves into a scene/niche, and that let them down… But surely if a band is good, and are getting the right publicity, they DO good…”

Addy: “They didn’t have a manager which didn’t help. You need someone to hold together a bunch of young, loose cannons. The band just drifted apart and everyone went in different directions because of it.”

Sad times. Imagine if I was the equivalent to Suggs’s niece and I lived in a mansion and everyone thought I was really cool.

Listen to Sore Throat here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6nUoWE1Esg8

Other related links:
http://blog.madness.co.uk/1979_part_01.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clive_Langer

Only England can beat Japan 2-1 and not even score a goal. The curtains came down on England’s World Cup preparations on Sunday with a poor performance against the Japanese. Japan went ahead when sing bong chon netted neatly from a corner, and 2 own goals in the second half gave England a deserved (ahem) victory. An inspired display at Wembley a few days earlier saw England churn out a wonderful 3-1 win against a superb Mexico team (this sentence only makes any sense if you were watching this game in a parallel universe, because again we were fucking shit.) I wonder if watching in 3d makes us look any better?

So it’s now time to get serious about this shit. The niceties can now stop. Darren Bent, Stephen Warnock, and Tom Huddlestone will hopefully by the time this goes to print be back in England crying in to their wives over inflated fake chests (or in Huddlestone’s case his boyfriends massive cock) as Fabio has told them DOUBT IT when they asked if they’ve made the final 23.

England will travel to South Africa with a whole load of hope and expectation resting on those 46 shoulders, 45 not counting the dislocated shoulder of Theo Walcott, which is OBVIOUSLY the ONLY reason why he is not the best player in the world ever yet. It really does have nothing to do with the fact that his careers advisor was really hung-over and forgot to tell him he’s meant to be a sprinter, or a writer, he has just released some really lovely children’s books which are meant to be a pleasant read, Amazon.com for further details on those literary masterpieces.

If I’m being honest I do think that we can win the World Cup. England has plenty of talent, and Women’s volleyball is a really big up and coming sport, ho ho ho. But to finish off, I think we have a chance if Capello can sort out a midfield that functions well with a holding midfielder (fingers crossed Mr. Barry) and hopefully one of Aaron Lennon or Theo Walcott skinning defenders on the right side (Lennon it is then). Throw in a rampant Rooney and who knows, stranger things have happened. I’ll be back on Friday the 11th June with a live minute by minute report from the eagerly awaited, seriously I love that shit, opening ceremony. Until then Smack That minions. BIG KISS.

Words: Ballgown

What intrigues me is that this ‘genre’ of tee shirt holds such specific (and not really THAT accessible) design and subject matter, yet attracts such a vast range of wearers… To name the stereotypes, you’ve got children, geeks who spend their whole life on ‘World of Warcraft’, weird old men with ageing gurns and overgrown stained beards who wander round car boot sales with a load of carrier bags, wholesome yet socially inept tourists, heavy metallers ( ref. Rag Freak!), and ///Uber Trendies///Art Fags///… (Note the signature use of excessive forward slashes there///Art Fag punctuation trademark, yeah?///)
Kids wear them because they’re inoffensive and you know kids, they LOVE animals. Oldies/tourists wear them as attempt to be a bit ‘jazzy’; it’s a bit more exciting than a grey smock, yet doesn’t make any crude advertisements. (E.g. “I’m With Stupid ?” or something similarly lame). Metallers wear them because the aesthetic style of the tee shirt is quite glam rock/gothic looking, so would therefore go well with their style visually. Geeks wear them because, to be fair, the tee shirts are rather naff, and TRUE geeks are attracted to the naffest shit out there. Uber trendies///Art Fags base their style on geeks, hence the clear lensed glasses, etc, so perhaps wear the tee’s as a celebration of their love for their idols…
How is it possible for such a garish and eye-catching item of clothing to bring together so many different ‘types’ of people, cultures, and ways of living from all over the place?
There is no real answer, but it’s cool to think there is a unique piece of clothing that can bring a lot of different people together through a visually random form.
From what I’ve seen, the tee shirts are worn to be the owners own. One of my animal tees is the classic three wolves howling at the moon one, which is very popular, as you’ll see in the photos, but I personally think the tee shirts look individual and unique on everyone I’ve seen them on. Maybe that’s just ’cause I like ‘em!