Last Saturday, I gathered together a bundle of cash and a friend and went in search of pubs in Brighton id never been to before. We went to 10 in total and this is just the beginning. Part II is already in discussion. For each pub we wrote a short bullet point review using the back of old flyers id never got round to giving out.

Here’s what me and Jack got up to:

2:11 pm
Prince of Wales
This is that strange pub next to Churchill Square (next to the burger stand/JD sports). This has been here forever, yet no one that I spoke to had ever been in there. There is a definite reason for this. Upon entrance my hung-over stomach was turned by the sight of two old men struggling through a plate of sausages, chips and beans and the whiff of dementia. It was so bad infact, that I had to leave and let Jack get the first round in. Before I turned though I did manage to see some odd WWII pictures that adorned the walls. It said stuff like “NICE TRY ADOLF!” The pints we had were sour and the entertainment consisted of an old hippie wailing through Plan B songs with an acoustic guitar outside. I did see an 8-year-old kid jump a flight of steps on a Micro Scooter though. Big ups.

According to our notes this got a 0/10 but the ‘Nazi Shit’ got a +2 so..

Overall – 2/10

3:07pm
The Iron Duke
After a brief stop in Primark for some shoes and sunglasses, we walked to Waterloo Street in Hove to this boozer / hotel due to being told it showed the football, which it promptly did.
Was a nice vibe in here, although a few too many children for our liking. However that said, it did manage to have a pool table, 3 big screens and a function room without being a shithole, which I suppose is some kind of achievement. Plus Peroni on tap, which is always a bonus.

We gave the Iron Duke a 7/10 but Jack started moaning later in the day and this was turned into a retrospective…

Overall: 6/10

3:50pm
The Paris….Something
At half time in the football we decided it was time to move on. Tried to go to CAPS SPORTS BAR on Western Road but it wasn’t showing the football. Worst sports bar ever? So after I threw a little strop we decided the football was rubbish anyway so went to a newly refurbished The Juggler; which is now called The Paris Something. The first thing we were greeted with was a basket of baguettes and croissants. If you know me and jack this was an automatic +1 for us. When it came to ordering drinks though, we were promptly told they “only sold half pints”. Rubbish. Interior was acceptable, even if it did feel a bit like Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen had been let loose in a Cafe Rouge.

According to our notes the lack of whole pints got them -5 but an extra point for making our hands look bigger.

Overall: 4/10

4:30pm
The Conqueror
Found this pub my mistake while looking for a different pub. Its located behind The Old Market venue was we were pleasantly surprised. It showed the football, was in a nice quiet location and food sounded like it might actually have been tasty.

According to our notes the carpets to the toilet were ‘springy’ and it got a +1 for having a “friendly dog with big balls”. Plus Jack liked the fact it held a Meat Raffle there every Sunday.

Overall: 6.5 / 10

5:26pm
Robin Hood
Had never been here but had heard good things. All profits from this pub go to charity once all bills and wages are paid, which even in my cynical brain is still a definite nice touch. We were starting to get a bit drunk by this point so the notes get a bit more obscure. We got very excited that there was bunting hanging off the walls apparently, and the barmaid got a +1 for knowing that Jack fancied her. The size of the place surprised us, as it looks very small from the outside and the decor was comfortable, albeit very “standard Brighton pub”.

According to our notes we very much liked the fact they sold Rizlas and Filters here. Although that was probably just because had been Jack poncing both off me all day.

Overall: 6.5/10

6:21pm
Rock’n'Roller
This definitely isn’t a pub but we were both dying for a piss so were forced in here by our weak bladders. This is a Pool hall / restaurant / bar for West Street types who have grown tired of the Gammon and Chips at Wetherspoons. It’s situated opposite Waitrose on Western Road and is actually a lovely building that has been many things over the years. Paid £10 for an hour of pool but left after 25 minutes. Bar staff were very friendly but apparently “Jack felt nervous as he entered”. Also all pints were served in plastic glasses, which meant an automatic -5.

According to our notes the toilets were “missions/out of breath”

Overall: 3/10

6:56
Prince Arthur
Hadn’t even known this pub had existed until we (literally) stumbled upon it after finding the similarly situated Shakespeare’s Head closed on a Saturday night? No idea what was happening there. The Prince Arthur looked inviting as we walked up the road (Just up from McDonalds on Western Road if memory serves) with nice benches, flowers and lights. Jack even marked the pub a +1 for the “nice lights” so they must’ve been fucking good lights. Walking inside was a different kettle of fish however. Was extremely sterile and also extremely empty, except for two queens propping up the bar. Got our drinks and sat outside. We were quickly joined by the landlord who in fairness was extremely friendly if slightly defensive about his pub. We told him we were writing a review and he offered us a free roast if we came back on Sunday, which was very kind. Don’t think we’ll be taking him up on his offer however.

According to our notes the selection of beer was shit and the clientele was marked as “none”. Being next to McDonalds got it a +1 though.

Overall – 5/10

7:47
Kings Arms
At this point in the evening we were joined by Nick, our “Cock Friendly” friend. With this in mind we decided to head into Kemptown to sample some more of what the Brighton gay scene had to offer. I actually have no idea whether this is a gay pub or not actually…it all gets a bit hazy at this point. I’ll let the notes do the talking:

- Gay Bar at Butlins -1 (!?!)
- Nicks here +2
- Old Dj + 1
- Not sour beer
- BANKSY -20 (The walls were covered in banksy prints, I remember that much)

Overall: 3/10

8:35
The Queens Arms
Now we actually cheated here, cos we’d all been to this gem before. If you’ve never been to the Queens Arms before (which really wouldn’t be that surprising, even if you are gay) then let me break it down for you: Its a cabaret bar situated opposite the Kings Arms off St James St. The name of the road escapes me but its up from the Starbucks. It has a plethora of critically acclaimed cabaret stars, such as my favourite; (who we had missed unfortunately) Robbie. Its camp beyond belief and also slightly scary for gay and straight alike. I remember it had huge Oscars all over the place for some reason, and also quite possibly the least convincing drag queen I have ever seen. Not for the squeamish, but definitely a laugh.

Here’s the notes we took – I don’t really know what we were on about:

- Atmosphere +9 (!)
- Weird Bloke +10 – Then crossed out and changed to +3
- Decor +5
- Friendly Guy +5
- General Wrongness +10
- General Wrongness -10

Overall 7/10

9:20
Marine Tavern
We went here because the landlord of the Prince Arthur had told us it was the smallest pub in Brighton. However he was clearly chatting absolute balls. All I remember from being in here is having an absolute screaming argument about Gay Saunas and the landlady asking us if we wanted a microphone. I’m going to have to let the notes do the talking here again, not that I can really make any of Jacks scribblings out. They really are the scrawlings of a madman:

- Arguments +6
- Decor Fucheng (…)
- Being looked at by everyone +5
- Conrad being here -8

Overall: 5/10

At this point, we left and carried on our arguments in the street. Jack ended up starting on Nick and me ‘cos he thought we were calling him right wing. We then went to meet some less than impressed friends at Fitzherberts and finished the night falling over in the Pav Tav. Classy.

Jack ended up throwing up in his bath and I woke up £120 out of pocket.

Sunday was the worst day of my life.

WINNER = THE QUEENS ARMS (somehow)

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The World Cup is without doubt the best thing ever. Falling in Love, having children, getting married, none of these even come close to the excitement that the World Cup brings. When you fall in love, no one apart from you and the person you’re falling in love with cares, the same can be said for having a kid, give or take the odd family member who shows an interest once a month with the offering of an over cooked Sunday dinner. And as for Marriage; the only reason people go to weddings is because they can get really drunk for free (if you’re not getting drunk for free then why even bother going?)

The World Cup on the other hand unites the entire country, even your Mum will get involved, only when England is playing of course. I love the whole build up, the status’s on Facebook, my favorite was written by someone I used to go to school with and it went a little something like this ‘Fuck off you foreign cunts, I’ll wear my England shirt when I want, wherever I want. This is why the BNP should have got in’ – genius! Taxi drivers all over the country exercise their given rights to be a complete fascist and decorate their cabs with the good ol’ flag of St George, and best of all the price of beer, peanuts, crisps and burgers seems to plummet to disgraceful rates so we can all get really pissed, really fat, and then burst in to tears when Gerrard shins his penalty against the bar in the second round. I CAN’T ACTUALLY WAIT.

I’ll be keeping you updated every few days with all of the news from South Africa. Whose playing well, how fucking boring the open ceremony was, which team has blagged their way through (South Korea), and whether or not John Terry can go 4 weeks without fucking the entire female population of Johannesburg. We’ll have a full report from the first game of England’s quest to glory against the USA as myself, the Smack That boys, and a host of our other ‘mates’ have hired out The Royal Box at Brighton’s most celebrated pub, The King and Queen, to watch the game, whilst shouting abuse at other England fans (standard) and getting horribly drunk in the process. It’s going to be outrageous.

P.S. We’ve got a little fantasy football league going especially for the world cup. Go to this website, create your team and enter this code 144504-34101. There will be a prize for the winner.

Words: Ballgown

The Palace Pier

To me, this is an emblem of the depressing shit that Brighton has come to represent. The entrance welcomes you with the potent smell of exchange students, drug addicts and rotting burgers served by some poor immigrant who day in, day out has to make slop for the horrid foreign kids with their neon rucksacks. There is a distinct air of misery on the Pier. Hardly anything is ever open, even in summer. The poor fucks that actually have the misfortune to work here must have the daily reminder that their life is shit.

Don’t bother going into the Arcades. If you were to go all CSI shit in there, I’m pretty sure that you would find buckets of semen, piss, blood and whatever else. I’ve seen people fucking on those driving game-seats so you can only imagine what horrors the machine guns have seen. The prizes you can win are laughable. They are so awful and all fake. So, unless you want to waste money or win a ‘cuddly’ toy that is probably a fire risk, don’t bother.

The rides are an option for you, should you wish to be gawped at by the grim staff who have nothing else to do with their day apart from press buttons and stare at you as you try to ignore the fact you & your friend are the only people on the Dodgems, or even on the pier. I’ve never liked or enjoyed the ‘ride’ section of the Pier. It’s not just the safety aspect (growing up, there have been innumerable rumors of people falling off rides into the sea etc etc) it’s just that there is no sense of fun or anything. I wish Brighton had that strip like the one in Lost Boys. So avoid the pier, it’s a waste of time and you’ll probably need to get pissed afterwards to wash the disappointment and sadness away.

The North Laine & The Lanes

The North Laine is basically a set of parallel streets containing a vast array of bullshit shops and cafes with the odd crap hairdresser thrown in. It hasn’t changed much since I was young; although now I always think I can smell regurgitated Innocent Smoothies, probably because I always see these three-wheeled-pram using mothers force feeding their bratty (and weird named) kids organic slop instead of Mr. Juicy which was good enough for me as wee’un. There are those shops where you can get dildos, vibrators, and gimp masks right next to some bland beige boutique where someone like Judi Dench would perhaps shop. There are a few cafes selling overpriced lentil shit or ‘meat-imitation pasties’. There are one or two good pubs, but it’s normally hit and miss with the people inside. I’ve seen far too many middle-aged, seemingly alcoholic Mods for one lifetime. There is nothing really to buy. Even the places that were once good, e.g. Snoopers Paradise (an emporium selling everything old and strange) has now become infected with pretentiousness and is ridiculously overpriced).

The Lanes consists of an amazing amount of rank jewelers and the only decent record shop in the whole bloody city. Just don’t bother.

Clubs

There is not one good club or even club night in Brighton (Smack That nights apart). Seriously. The biggest ones are on the seafront and you can normally find any STD you want in these places. The music is normally so mainstream and dire, the people so vacuous and dressed head-to-toe in River Island, afterwards you would probably want to wade into the sea with rocks stuffed into your pockets and die, just to avoid the same experience. The stench of semen dribbling out saggy vaginas from the night before is always too much for me to bear. Even the people that are relatively ok, are not, if they venture into these shitholes. Away from the seafront, there is no real night that is worth going to. Most of the people that go to the club nights that are tolerable, are pretty uninteresting. I’m pretty sure almost all of them are illustration/graphic/photography students because they are all fucking boring. I have no idea where the interesting people of Brighton hang out. In all the good pubs, they are never to be found. To be honest, all the good people have probably returned to London.

Students

The ‘human rats’ proliferate the streets like rubbish. I have no idea how many there are, but it must be a lot. Too many than is normal. Everything in Brighton seems to be controlled by the student population in some way. They are everywhere…they are the ones who do all the shit nights, the ones who are in every pub and cafe (no matter where you are in the city) and the ones who have exhausted all supplies of K. If I have to talk to, or just encounter another curly quiffed, quilted jacket, deck shoe wearing prick with a bow tie again, I’m going to sew up my vagina and remove my womb so that in the event of an apocalypse, I do not have to procreate with one.

Probably best to stay where you are.

Words: Nina Lily Gill
Photos: Sam Hiscox and Google

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Agaskodo Teliverek – Agaskodo Teliverek (2006)
Look Here

Analord Series/The Tuss (2005/ 2007)
My favourite Aphex Twin project. I love the huge sounds of analogue electronics doing there thing that have been captured and composed perfectly. To me it doesn’t sound man-made, it sounds like some a bunch of machines came to life one night and were caught on tape.

Arcade Fire – Funeral (2004)
I still cant believe I haven’t seen this band live yet…Quite embarrassingly my mum bought this album before I did but upon hearing the first track Neighbourhood #1 (Tunnels) I was hooked. With regard to this being better than Neon Bible, it just fucking is ok?

At The Drive-in – Relationship Of Command (2000)
I remember asking for this album for Christmas when I like 13 or something ‘cos I loved One Arm Scissor when it came out. On first listen though I didn’t really get it and it gathered dust for a while on my shelf. When I picked it up again a year or two later I was blown away by how sick it was. Not necessarily an album i ever really listen to these days, but far as albums I’ve rinsed over the decade this has to be up there. The guitar on this album is fucking ridiculous as well. God, what a gay sentence. AT THE DRIVE-IN OWN…

Avalanches – Since I Left You (2000)
The perfect album to get stoned to with your mates on a summer’s day. We used to have so many arguments about where each sample came from and try and out knowledge each other about music. Looking back on it, we knew nothing. We were only 13.

Black Devil (Disco Club) – Disco Club / 28 After (1978/ 2006)
Discovered and re-released in the noughties by Rephlex Records, 28 years after it was made. Does it still count?

Bloc Party – Silent Alarm (2005)
I’m a firm believer that Bloc Party have got fucking awful and are possibly the gayest pricks in Indie but I don’t deny that this album is a dope debut by any ones standards. This album has everything an indie album needs; Massive dance floor anthems mixed with more sensitive and introspective moments. I remember seeing them headline the NME Tent at Reading ’06 and they just looked like it was the best moment of their lives and to be fair, the amount of MDMA id done I probably thought it was mine at the time. Too bad they got all wanky, made a concept album and did interviews.

The Books – Every Album (noughties)
All their albums were made in this decade; Thought for Food, The Lemon of Pink and Lost and Safe. The Books create phenomenally beautiful, pure music from collages of sampled sound gathered from their own instruments and everything else around them. It is impossible to explain the affect that their music can have on a person but it is immediate and intense.

Broadcast – Tender Buttons (2005)
A truly great pop record with added noises and sounds. It’s strange because it sounds futuristic whilst simultaneously sounding retro, lo-fi and hi-fi, experimental yet accessible at the same time.
It is fair to say that there are some forgettable tracks on this album, but, no tracks need to be skipped past and the whole album creates a lingering feeling of dreamy euphoria which is always quite nice.

Buck 65 – Secret House Against The World (2006)
I thought Buck 65 was alright, but always found that kind of alt hip-hop stuff a bit depressing. This album though he did something different and actually wrote some really nice ballads and began singing. Fans of his older stuff hated this album. The first night I heard this album I accidentally rohypnoled myself.

Country Teasers – The Empire Strikes Back (2006)
Are there any queers in theatre tonight?
Get them up against the wall,
There’s one in the spotlight, he don’t look right to me,
Get him up against the wall.
That one looks Jewish and that ones a Coon.
Who let this riff raff into the room?
There’s one smoking a joint, and another with spots,
If I had my way I’d have all of them shot.

Fall-like, clever-ignorance, witty and damn right offensive.

Cheveu – Cheveu (2008)
Here’s a nod to our friends across the channel. French, trashy, casio rock ‘n’ roll, repetitive but really catchy. So what if they are probably fucking about most of the time, I like it. They have devolved rock ‘n’ roll music but created something proper rude with it’s balls hanging out all over the floor?

Daft Punk – Discovery (2001)
It’s all about the 2nd side of this record.

Dan Deacon – Spiderman Of The Rings (2007)
Apart from the Wire, Dan Deacon is probably the best thing to come out of ‘Bodymore’. Spiderman of the Rings is probably the most insane piece of electronic madness you will hear for a long time. Rainbow-hued synths, break-core and childhood memories all rolled up into a superb album.

Deerhoof – Milkman or Runners Four (2004, 2005)
Such a supreme San Francisco indie rock group. The mad, quirks of Captain Beefheart clash with the catchy hooks and pure rock of bands like The Who. There are some kitsch elements that used to irritate me but these two albums have so many great songs.
A true battle of opinion between me and many friends over which is best. Anyway, have a listen and decide.

Dizzee Rascal – Boy In Da Corner (2003)
It was so good at the time, learning all dem nu slang words and shit. It’s just a shame Dizzee went all… well, rubbish.

Dr. Dre – 2001 (2000)
“ALL THESE NIGGAZ AND ALL THESE HOES, SOMEBODY IN HERE GONNA FUUCCCK.” Sums it all up really. Dr. Dre’s 2001 was the epitome of west coast Hip Hop. An incredible mish mash of Dope beats, blistering verses, and guest appearances from almost every half decent MC on the Westside. So grab a 40, and roll up a blunt, because pretending to be black has never been this cool before.

Eminem – Marshall Mathers LP (2000)
This album had a parental advisory sticker on the front cover when I bought it, and what’s more, none of my friends even knew who he was, which made me the coolest kid for a bout a day. I was only ever allowed to listen to ‘Stan’ though when my mum was around she liked the dido sample, but not the lyrics about raping bitches and ting.

Fog – 10th Avenue Freakout (2005)
So, so, so hard to describe. I think it is an electronic, arty, pop record. It is a really intriguing record and has a nice formula to the compositions. The verses have a pondering feel to them with dazed lyrics over bleak drones of melody and loose rhythms of wonky drum machines. All these elements gain momentum and break into solid crescendos of sampled horns, tight beats and very american singing for the choruses.

Franz Ferdinand – Franz Ferdinand (2004)
The first time I ever went to a club I was a bit nervous, I wasn’t really into dance music and my only experience of clubs was seeing clips of old raves and videos from Ibiza. However I went to an indie night at Escape (now Audio) and they played stuff like this and then I kissed a girl to Take Me Out. Good times.

Ghostface Killah – Ghostdini Wizard Of Poetry In Emerald City (2009)
It’s the same as any other Ghostface album, except all the beats on this one sound like the Jackie Brown soundtrack. Rugged.

Go! Team – Thunder, Lightening, Strike! (2004)
CONTROVERSIAL CHOICE ALERT! This album just reminds me of walking to my dealers house once on one of those randomly warm spring days (when you wear a t-shirt for the first time that year) and the whole album lasted EXACTLY from when i left my house to when I got to his front door and I like it when that happens. I genuinely think this album is amazing and although they could never repeat it live or follow it up with a good album, this album still means summer to me…

Goldfrapp – Felt Mountain (2000)
This album is so good at the end of a night out when the bumps of ketemine come out and everyone’s skinning up their last zoot. Just lie back and let Alison’s weird vocals float over until you drift off. Then you wake up on some randoms sofa and feel like shit.

Horrors – Primary Colours (2009)
Fuck the first Horrors album, the only people that liked that were 16 year Goths who found post hardcore a bit… hardcore? The second album though sounds like it could have been made by a band at Camberwell Art College in the late 70’s when they started to experiment with ambience and psychedelic noises in post punk songs.

The Hunches – Hobo Sunrise (2003)
A brutal band on In The Red. Fusing together elements of the Strokes, the Libertines and general loud noise and raucous expression. This album is so big and furious you have to listen to the whole album to pick up every emotion it conveys. You just can’t get into it from any one song in particular. They kind of make me feel like how it would be hearing The Stooges for the first time in the sixties!

Interpol – Turn On The Bright Lights (2002)
I’ll be honest, I actually slept on this album for fuckin’ years, even going as far as telling people I hated this band. However about two years ago I realised this album is actually quality and it was just Interpol fans I hated. Now for the Joy Division bit…Yes the vocal is sometimes cringe worthily similar but if you’re going to sound like another band, you could do worse than it being one of the most important and seminal bands ever me thinks. Although massive at the time, i think this is quite an underrated record. However, they do take the blame for Editors and subsequently White Lies, Glasvegas, Big Pink et al. THANKS A FUCKING LOT.

Jamie T – Panic Prevention (2007)
This album pretty much sums up my first year of university and being in halls of resisidents. It’s not the greatest album, but whenever I listen to it I get the nostalgia thing and loads of good memories come back. But that’s just me, everyone else thought it was shit.

Jedi Mind Tricks – Violent By Design (2003)
It saddens me how shit Vinnie Paz and Jus Allah have got recently but lets not dwell on that and remember the good old days…This album is rugged and violent but without losing any humour or being clichéd in any way – In fact id say its pretty flawless…The beats are epic, the samples are Wu-Tang inspired and the spitting is generally pretty sick (apart from a few ‘classics’ from The Pazmanian Devil..). One of my most rinsed hip-hop albums ever and yeh, just take my word for it…MURDERS BY STICKING A CRUFIFIX IN YOUR CERVIX.

Klaxons – Myths Of The Near Future (2007)
I saw them perform at the Pressure Point to an audience of about 10 people. How cool am I? This album pretty much started the Nu-Rave thing, which was cool for about a week before it got hijacked by 15 year old girls. This is a really good pop album and pretty much sums up 2006/7.

The Knife – Deep Cuts (2004)
I knew a girl a few years back who was like the first ever girl in the UK to get myspace. She got myspace so early on in fact that she has been in the number two spot on The Knife’s myspace since I first checked them out. Her name is Kimmer btw.

The Libertines – Up The Bracket (2002)
As much as Pete(R!) Doherty has become a cliché of himself as some drug addled mumbling tosser, when this album came out I literally thought it was the best thing ever. It reminds me of this house I used to live in that had this shed thing in the garden that we called ‘The Crack Den’. I had some good parties there and this album reminds me of the Easter holidays whilst in the first year of college where we just sat in my room for two weeks straight doing ‘shrooms, going on speed benders and drinking vodka with green food colouring in. Good times…

Mahjongg – Kontpab (2008)
This album toys with so many ideas and influences from modern minimal r&b to dance punk to afro-pop. The album is so adventurous and stylistically bonkers it may give you motion sickness. However, I think that they’re one of the best bands around. Seeing them live probably has an effect on how much I enjoy this album. So, if you don’t like it go and see them live.

Man Man – Six Demon Bag (2006)
I listened to this album for about 6 months almost daily. It’s their second of three, but defiantly their best IMO. They are also the most crazy band I have ever seen live, even friends that hated this album loved them after seeing them live. It’s a mix of ska, no wave, 60’s girl group pop and circus music. What a combination.

Matias Aguayo – ay ay ay (2009)
‘Nearly every track will have an element that can’t fail to put a smile on your face.’ – Drowned in sound.
This album provides my ears with something so unusual and bizarre without sounding like a novelty. Aguayo’s voice is the main instrument on this record and with it he creates a blurry eyed, exotic, techno world; filled with hook upon hook. However, it will certainly not be everyone’s cup of tea!

Midlake – The Trials of Van Occupanther (2006)
One evening a man who goes by the name David passed me a small folded piece of paper. Upon it were the words ‘Midlake -Van Occupanther’. I never looked back.
This album is reminiscent of the satisfaction felt when stepping on a crunchy leaf in Autumn. Something I would definitely cross the street for.

Metronomy – Nights Out (2008)
This album is full of great pop songs without ever becoming mainstream and radio friendly. According to my last.fm this album is my most played over the last year. That pretty much says it all. Great album, great band. End of.

MSTRKRFT – The Looks (2006)
Thought I should probably include an electro album on here somewhere and Daft Punk aside, its got to be this. Tracks such as “Work on You” and “Easy Love” quickly became dance floor classics and still are 3 years on. Seeing them at Somewhere In The Universe was also fucking DOPEEEE. They’ve gotta get some props for their remixes as well which have been some of the biggest tunes this decade in their own right. ALSO Jesse Keeler was is Death From Above 1979 whose 2004 album “You’re a Woman, I’m a Machine” would be in this list if I hadn’t put this in ‘cos basically its fucking brilliant and reminds me of every indie night I’ve ever been to in the last 5 years.

Necro – The Sexorcist (2005)
This album is so shockingly shit that it is actually incredible. If you haven’t heard Necro before, just look at the titles of some of his tracks; You Bitches Love To Get Fucked In The Ass, We Fuck Virgins and I Degrade You. He’s a really sweet chap though in real life.

Nick Cave – Abattoir Blues / Lyre Of Orpheus (2004)
Being a massive Nick Cave fan I could have put any of his albums from the last ten years on the list. This one wins largely because it was buy one get one free and I’m a sucker for a bargain. I spent the first few years only playing the first CD as Nick gets all messiah and gospel like and makes you do involuntary power grabs. Then I listened to the second one again and realised its just as good if not better than the first. And it has the line ” I had one hand round your red right heart and the other down your panties”. Genius. Oh and my copies signed which means I’m better than you.

Non Phixion – The Future Is Now (2002)
As far as aggy rap albums go, this is definitely up there with the best. Reminds me of this flat my mates used to live in, named affectingly as 7/7. That flat was fucking ridiculous and this album will always make me think of it. Well, this and Naive by The Kooks…

Outkast – Speakerboxxx/Love Below (2003)
It’s hard to choose which is better, I’ll probably pick the Love Below if I had to because Andre 3000 (what sort of name is that?) has nice hair. I was listening to ‘Hey Ya’ about 6 months before anyone else had even heard about the new album and even though it got rinsed by every radio station, night club and bar it is still such a classic. I just listened to it now at full volume. Chooooooon.

Queens Of The Stone Age – Songs For The Deaf (2002)
Just after this album came out I went to see QOTSA play at Brixton academy with a few mates. On the tube to Brixton we sat opposite a guy wearing a Queen t-shirt with Freddy mercury on, he looked like the kind of bloke who would say ‘don’t you think it’s strange Freddie never married, he was so popular with the ladies’. Anyway, he ended up at Brixton academy with us and when QOTSA began to play he looked so confused and left after 3 songs. Bless him.

The Rapture – Echoes (2003)
Before this album indie pretty much meant ‘rock’ music, but a bit different. Then the rapture did this thing. They made dance music with electronic bits, but they were still an indie band. Eh?
Since ‘House of jealous lovers’ was released every other band seems to have a cowbell fixed on to their drum kit as well. Coincidence?

The Raveonettes – Whip It On (2002)
Although this album came out in 2002, it’s been a reasonably recent discovery for me but has quickly become one of my favourite albums ever. Tracks like “Cops on our Tail”, “Beat City” and “Do You Believe Her” are Jesus and Mary Chain for the 21st Century but Danish and with a fit girl. Reminds me of late night drinking sessions, which is always nice.

The Rebel – Kufr (2007)
99% of people who listen to this album will probably get two or three tracks in and turn it off saying something like ‘it’s quite challenging’. I fucking love this album and I like the fact that no one else in the whole world has even heard of it. It is the darkest most fucked up sounding piece of “sound art” (if that’s what you call it). I used to listen to this on K in halls of residents and listen to my flat mates talk outside my door about whether I mental issues listening to such messed up shit.

Richard Hawley – Coles Corner (2005)
A truly amazing album. Every single track is allowed to breathe, yet none outstay their welcome. I reckon Richard Hawley makes a well good cup of tea.

Roots Manuva – Run Come Save Me (2001)
Well well well… UK hip-hop was good for about 5 minutes and within that 5 minute window Roots Manuva released run come save me. At times hilariously funny at others incredibly depressing Rodney Smith detailed in a very British way his struggle with depression, drug addiction and inner city life. I saw him live once he was so stoned it was an utter shambles but he did produce probably one of the greatest videos of all time.

Soulwax – Nite Versions (2005)
If you don’t know who Soulwax by now you are gay (actually even gays know who Soulwax are).

The Streets – Original Pirate Material (2002)
I hated this album when I first heard it. Everyone banged on about it and all I could think was that man has some of the worst rhyming couplets I have ever had the displeasure to endure. Then I listened to it some more and realised that that wasn’t the entire point. Its funny (too much brandy), progressive (let’s push things forward), retrospective (weak become heroes), relatable (don’t mug yourself) and far better than anything they have done since, give or take a few tracks. Dark, funny and heartbreaking it took its roots in garage and then burst through all the clichés to create something that people of all classes and races could relate to on some level. I still think mike skinner has become a bit of a prick though, which is a shame.

The Strokes – This Is It (2001)
Ten years on and we’re all still wearing tight jeans. ‘Nuff said I guess.

Yeah Yeah Yeah’s – Fever To Tell (2003)
“boy you’re just a stupid bitch and girl you’re just a no good dick”. Karen O, girls liked her because she was blunt and went rah, boys liked her because she was cool and everyone liked her all the more every time she cried whilst performing maps live. The debut album by the Yeah Yeah Yeah’s is New York art rock done at its best, songs detailing the sometimes grim realities of love and sex yet never veering into sentimentality even on the slower tracks like this modern romance. The lyrics are often bitter and acerbic (black tongue) yet her brutal sometimes unnerving honesty elevates it from more than just shouty girl stuff. I’ve actually never met a person who didn’t like this album, and that’s because it’s just so darn good. Yeah yeah and yeah.

Oh what a noughty decade it’s been. LoLZzZzZ

Words by : Iced Gems, Hulk Rogan, Queen B, Brown, Murley Bassey and Lutworth
Photo by : Andy Baker

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Now I don’t know much about skating, but I know a bit about film making, and this film was made very well indeed. It had everything going for it, impressive skating, beautiful shots, timing, great soundtrack and was all under an hour long, which is like the perfect time for a skate film. Young Isaac Miller, who Ed suggested was going to make it big, seemed to be the crowds favourite , aswell as Leon Karakashian’s section which was pretty much 3 minutes of comedy rather than skating.

All in all, big up Ed and everyone that was involved for making the whole thing go ahead. Can’t wait until the next one, which apparently is a collaboration between Ed and Slim Jim.

Milo Belgrove took some sick pix.

Thnx.

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Support came in the form of brighton band Esben and The Witch. I was quite looking forward to seeing them as id heard nothing but good stuff about their goffik reverb shenanigans and although i wasnt disappointed as such, it wasnt quite as good as id thought it might be. The songs all seemed quite shambolic and unfinished, and 2 minute moments of brilliance would be followed by 7 minutes of pissing about with FX pedals and banging a floor tom over and over. Basically it was quite pretentious but at the same time, they were pretty mesmerising and there is definitely some potential there. The birds quite fit aswell…

The Xx album, simply titled “xx”, is quite possibly my favourite record of the year so far so i was really looking forward to this gig and they didnt let me down. The Xx have had an extremely quick rise to fame since their album was released by Young Turks in late August and have since toured with The Big Pink and Florence WENCH to name a few. They also went to the same school as Hot Chip, Fourtet and Burial which is kinda quite cool i guess….

They came on to ‘Intro’ which was to be expected and continued to play the album song by song which definitely seemed to work in this case. It was basically a perfect rendition of the album without any surprises or new bits and if im honest, this was exactly what i was hoping for as i love the album so much. If you havent heard it yet its full of insular, glacial pop tunes which are hauntingly brilliant and weirdly uplifting at the same time, id even go as far as to say its the ‘Dummy’ of the Noughties… Goosebump moments were “Crystalised”, new single “Islands”, the Chris Isaac – Wicked Game-esque “Infinity’ and the amazing cover of ‘Teardrops’ by Womack and Womack so all in all pretty much spot on. Im looking forward to March already…

The Xx – Islands – Live on Jools Holland

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If you don’t know, Mumford & Sons are a four-piece folk band from the Big Smoke who play lovely Irish-tinged ditties with accordions and banjo’s and stuff. I think they’re dope and it was only a matter of time before they crossed over into the mainstream and made middle class mothers cry into their glasses of wine after reading about them in the Observer Music Monthly. They were personally invited to support The Pogues at their Christmas shows last winter and any band who can manage to wake Shane McGowan out of his whiskey and cheap hash slumber for long enough to actually make a judgment on their music gets some props from me.

If my slightly drunk memory serves me correct they opened with “Awake my Soul” and started plouging through favourites such as “Little Lion Man”, the new single that is on BBC6 seemingly every 5 fucking minutes. It was a lot dancier than i was expecting which was definitely a good thing, but halfway through they brought the tempo down and started playing some new songs. GREAT. Nah, new songs sounded good but it just seemed an odd set list in my opinion. Things picked up at the end though and they even used a real life drum kit in a few songs (!). They finished with the brilliant “Roll Away My Stone” and although they didn’t play “Liar”, this was only a minor glitch. Id been wanting to see this lot for ages now, having missed their last Brighton gig exactly a year ago and it definitely wasnt a disappointment. It seemed like a band on the cusp of something pretty special and they’ve certainly got the songwriting talent to take the potential further. Expect some pretty impressive festival shows next summer id imagine…

Its funny, i really don’t see myself as a folk/acoustic fan, but two of my favourite shows of the last year have been this and Bon Iver…Maybe I’m becoming a middle class mother? Oh well, rather that than some brainless little twat who’s still banging on about dub step i guess….

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After the absolute rubbish that was Public Enemies, I took myself once again to the Duke of York’s to see Mesrine: Killer Instinct, the first of a two-part biopic about the life of France’s most notorious gangster, Jacques Mesrine. I already had high expectations of Vincent Cassel’s performance playing the criminal after loving him in La Haine and Irreversible, but then again, Johnny Depp of Public Enemies had quite a good track record of films himself, and look at the shambles of a film he ended up in! (Actually, you know what, don’t look… The thing that’s so frustrating about Public Enemies is that the cinematography and set design is breathtaking, so to then find an empty, soulless screenplay coupled with a badly designed narrative, you’re just going to be left bashing you’re head against the wall!)

Anyway, unlike Public Enemies, Mesrine: Killer Instinct and Mesrine: Public Enemy No. 1 (2^nd part which soon came out after Killer Instinct) were amazing. The screenplays and narratives were well designed and constantly had the viewers on the edge of their seats, always interested and eager to know what happens next. The romances were believable and realistic (Ol’ Jacques was a right stud by the looks of things, but then I suppose all gangsters are.) The prison escapes were so exciting, well thought out, and always having the perfect balance of humour, violence and tension. And Vincent Cassel’s performance is incredible. He seems to have really absorbed himself in the character and it comes so naturally to the screen. By the looks of things, Jacques Mesrine was a charismatic, funny guy. It always helps making a film about someone who is actually interesting; perhaps what went wrong with Public Enemies is that American criminal John Dillinger was just a boring man. Oh Johnny, it ain’t your fault you brought nothing to the screen! It’s not like you can make up Dillinger’s character yourself, it’s a Biopic for Christ’s sake!

I fancied Cassel in Mesrine. I’ve had this theory that if I can find an actor really attractive in one film and really unattractive in another, they must be good, cause they can actually mess with your hormones when they’re not even there! For example, in Fight Club I don’t fancy Edward Norton. But in ‘Down in the Valley’, it’s another story. And Marlon Brando; he reeks of sex in A Streetcar Named Desire, but then in Apocalypse Now, Oh No… To be fair, he’s fat and old in Apocalypse Now but you catch my drift.

The two-part biopic film that is Mesrine was bloody amazing and all of you out there that are lucky enough to have not seen it yet and have the whole adventure ahead of you, the double billing of it is being shown this Sunday, the 27^th September at the Duke of York’s at 1.30pm. Get your arses down there!

Words: Flaaars

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Their recent gig at the Concorde 2 sold out pretty easily as can be expected I guess and was full of “cool” parents standing at the back and “cool” 15 year olds jumping around and drinking cheap vodka out of water bottles. Oh to be 15 again…

Anyway, onto the music. Passion Pit started getting some recognition with the release of their ‘Chunk of Change’ EP last year with its “pop gems” and its perfect-for-adverts beats. Personally I was really under whelmed and slightly irritated by the record, but that was nothing until I heard the full length LP ‘Manners’. Ok, so I do like ‘Sleepyhead’ but since when was fusing Friendly Fires, Mika and the worst parts of Nu Rave a good idea? GROW A PAIR LAD. The live performance was hit and miss. Songs such as the aforementioned ‘Sleepyhead’ and ‘I’ve Got Your Number’ weren’t the worst live renditions I’ve ever heard, and I even found myself bopping my head to songs like ‘The Reeling’ but mostly I stood there generally hating the general public and wondering if 3 cigarettes during one 40 minute set was too many.

Passion Pit? PASSION THE PITS MORE LIKE. MAD LOLS.

Words: Hulk Rogan

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Anyhow, the first band we caught were The Duloks who were on the new band stage. They were an all girl quirky electro comedy act that were enjoyable to watch in the festival context. Later at the same stage we saw Wet Dog playing their catchy primitive clashing melodies, which was definitely one of my highlights of the festival. Check out the interview we did with them HERE.

The Duloks

Wet Dog

Drum Eyes and Damo Suzuki were next on our agenda. We headed over to the Loud & Quiet stage to see DJ Scotch Egg’s instrumental doomy band project Drum Eyes, which led perfectly into the entrancing non-stop progressive style of Damo Suzuki the singer from Can.

We needed more cider before heading to the main stage to see The Slits. Unfortunately when we got to the stage the show never really got going with complaints about sound clarity being made after pretty much every song. I just didn’t get into this set at all. The huge stage invasion towards the end was quite funny though.
The Slits stage invasion

It was time for Metronomy who played the first ever offset a year earlier and were “the event of the summer”, according to the festival programme. We went to the loud and quiet tent, it was packed and there was a real buzz. Then an announcement was made that the band was being moved to the main stage. I wish they hadn’t bothered. There was then quite a long wait for everything to get sorted but this just added to the hyped up atmosphere. It was still only 10.30ish and this was the last band playing that night! Anyway Metronomy appeared and played a big set that everyone could party to. The live band thing bolsters up every individual sound and made the whole set more fun and enjoyable to watch and dance to.

We weren’t sure what to do with ourselves next but we stumbled across the comedy tent. The guy in there was a twat and seemed to be forcing people into doing open mic slots. Anyway he soon grabbed Japelling, “saying ok you’ll do.” This was a bad idea on the ‘professional’ comedians part as he felt the full force of some seriously funny insults that the audience obviously agreed with as they were cracking up. A couple of highlights from Japelling’s set was the joke about the man with a hat and the moment he spun out on stage and didn’t know where he was or what was happening. Ha, very funny indeed.

Sunday I woke up feeling shit as was to be expected. I got into my insular state, my survival mode and tried to make it through the morning. We spent most of Sunday walking round the different stages, laying down in the sunshine seeing what random bands were like. I heard an amazing remix of Metronomy – Heartbreaker by Black Devil Disco Club in between sets on the main stage.

Then we met Jazzman John, you can read about him HERE. He told us to check out a band he was introducing called Chapter Sweetheart. They had a really old-skool punk vibe with a bit of pretentiousness thrown in for good measure. Reminiscent of bands like The Make-Up or a more hardcore, soulful version of The Fire Engines but still with that jangling swagger. They definitely had a lot of potential and confidence but seemed like they were still polishing the songs for their live set.

Jazzman John

Later in the day we caught Wild Beasts, who I guess are the English countryside’s answer to Animal Collective, however these guys swear and sometimes reference the footie. After having our first meal of the festival, a delicious Ghanaian curry, we made our way to what would be the finale of the festival for us, The Horrors headlining the main stage!

Oh and this guy dropped his phone down the toilet. He was anxious to get it back because his coke dealers number was on that phone.

Words: Murley Bassey

Photos: Lutworth and Lyrical B

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