Prison Diary

I recently got fired from my job at HMP Lewes, teaching art and design to the inmates, for being photographed by the local newspaper mucking about at a party. I’m not sure whether I am actually allowed to talk about what happened behind the gates of the prison without breaching security, so decided to upload a friends diary that he kept whilst in prison. It’s a few years old now, but i’m sure that won’t bother you. Any names have been changed to protect peoples identities.

Day 1 (Friday 19th August 2005): Brighton Magistrates Court/ Feltham
So I got my sentence and felt a bit rushed down; waved goodbye to my mum, brothers and Kendawggg. Got taken by security to the cells downstairs and heard some trev kid freestyling really bad grime.. Shouted out the hole in the door and had some short conversation..

Random trev: “You’re going to Feltham bruvvvv.. Place is a shithole.. ahhah….////”

Spunout and thought fuck.

Tried to scratch up the bench with my eyebrow ring but got caught by one of the security who shouted “Oi! That’s criminal damage you know!”.. Got it confiscated.

Finally, it was time for my ride in the sweatbox so got shoved in the van with some kid from Southwick, who’d been sentenced for driving while disqualified.. Got pushed into the holding cell and Radio 1 came on. Basically, prison vans are called sweatboxes because they shove you in this tiny compartment on a seat that is made out of plastic with no cushions and no seatbelt. The windows are blacked out from the outside so you can’t even swear at people as your leaving.. Took about an hour and a half to get to Feltham and kind of dozed a bit..

Got to Feltham and got put in this room with some TV that was stuck on some shit ITV drama.. Then I got given some lentil curry and rice, which was actually alright..

Had to swap my suit and tie (court clothes) for a light blue t-shirt and some shit trousers, whilst all my belongings were archived..

Had to chat to some guy for twenty minutes about the rules and the things they don’t tolerate things such as bullying or homophobia (hmmm).. felt like I was in school.

I then received my starting items:

- A pack of Amber Leaf (12.5g)
- The book of rules
- Some “safety” matches
- Some fruit salads (nang!)
- A pen
- Four sheets of writing paper
- Toothbrush
- Plastic knife and fork
- Plastic cup
- Dirty toothpaste
- Random deodorant
- Soap
- Some envelopes

The prison inventory blud..

Chatted to mum for a little bit on the phone, then got shown to my new room..
Chilled in there and smoked my first prison rollie.. Watched bare TV and probably bit my nails..

Got told that people who follow the rules and stay more than 28 days get upgraded to Enhanced level which means your allowed your PS2 up here!

Got given a wristband that said NO BULLYING NO RACISM and the guv told me I could sell it on eBay when I got out. Oh guvs!

(Signs out of notes)

Day 2: (Saturday 20th August 2005)Feltham

Got woken up at half 7 for breakfast. Went and got breakfast which was cornflakes and orange juice. Hadn’t eaten cereal in years but thought it was quite “dope” really. Munched that til I was called for an induction session, so walked as rudely as I could and sat down in this room that looked like a classroom for special needs children.. Overheard rudeboys talking about the finer things in life life “shankin’ manz in the neck”. Realised everyone in the room was fucking n u t s. Had some boring tutorial thing then went back in my cell and waited for my TV to come on (TV times in Feltham run from noon to midnight unless you reach enhanced level).

Then we had exercise, which I thought would be running and shit, but turned out to be what at school would be called “playtime”, except with rollies. Had lunch (12.30 pm) which had a burger on it so I just ate everything except the meat. Got some odd looks. Went back in the cell to watch antiques programs or whatever they play at that time of day, then it was time for association.

This is when everyone interacts, swaps crime tips, plays pool, “gets shanked in the showers”, and makes threatening phonecalls. Saw a fight break out between these butch punk kid who had scars up his wrists and some tall pikey. It got quickly broken up by the screws whilst a few kids shouted “Nang!” (and there was me thinking we made that word up!).

Had some rank dinner which was beans, rice and vegetable pie with a delicious (by prison standards) flapjack. Watched a bit of Dr. No but passed out halfway through it.

Day 3: (Sunday 21st August 2005)Feltham
7:30 ting! Breakfast. Watched a rather good Futurama. Exercise. Hollyoaks, which had racism, a stabbing and two deaths in one episode which made my hour. When you’re locked up, you make your TV your prime source of mental nutrition and stimulation.

Went back to my cell.

Had another rank dinner but forced myself to eat it all, even though I started to feel sick halfway through it.

Writers up in Feltham: Aber, Creeper Man, Milk FV, Taste, Tox

Watched Mr. Deeds and decided that Winona Ryder’s quite fit really..

Day 4: (Monday 22th August 2005)Feltham

Woke up and had breakfast as standard. Had lunch and then had to chat to some woman about boring bullshit.
Got shifted from my current wing Kingfisher (the induction wing) to Teal. All the wings are the names of birds.. ??? The room looked a bit better but the aerial lead was broken on the TV and that was my priority, so got it changed instantly. Some brehdem started poking their heads in and asking questions, so I showed them some graff and they replied in some patois mumble. Spoke to my little brother and Irizzle but rinsed up all my phone credit. Heard bare stories about jackings, stabbings and the ol’ “lickin’ breddas in dem heads with bricks” which is always quality listening. Some halfcast kiddie with braces and an afro started on me and tried to jack my shoes but in the end he was just fucking with me.. The kiddies made me do a bit of rapping so the halfcast kiddie dragged me into this room full of big yardies and black London rudeboys and shouted “this breh can rap! this breh can rap!”. Felt horribly spun out but dropped some verse anyway as to not look like a pussy. Luckily they were receptive and one of them went “I dun understand a word what he chatting but it sounds nang!”. Met Tox who if you don’t know, is a London graff writer who has caused over a million pounds worth of damage and is in for his fifth time. Favourite quote:
“I’m not an artist, I’m a vandal..”. Then chatted to some kiddie who was in SB and he was the other sanest person in there. He asked me to do a sketch for his bird. Had dinner and then did the sketch.

Day 5: (Tuesday 23rd August 2005)Feltham

Breakfast. Association (or Social as the screws call it). Lunch. More Social. Heard some mad stories about robberies, attemped murkings and going on the run. Emceed to more of the kiddies over The Eminem Shows and heard some gangster emcee who wasn’t too bad. Talked to a kiddie bout drugs prices and he told me than he can get pills for 80p each. Sorted. Went back in my cell and then got told I was being shipped to Rochester the next day. Read some letters that I got, including a Sudoku my mum had sent me (how middle class). It was too hard so I went to sleep.

Day 6 (Wednesday 24th August 2005)Feltham / Rochester

Got transported in the morning after a nasty breakfast. The sweatbox was slightly better than the Brighton > Feltham one; it even had cushions.

Got to the reception desk, was asked a few questions, then all 7 of us were placed in this big room that had some afternoon film about lions on the screen and this toilet. Waited there for so long; it took forever. As some point, some kid brought out some bud he’d smuggled in(!) and some other kid brought out some burn (baccy) that he’d done the same with. Anyway, to my amusement, a spliff got rolled and they smoked it out the window whilst I watched out for screws, though I got a few tokes at the end. This kids were nutty. Had some shitty food and then finally got taken to the induction wing of Rochester were I was introduced to Cellmate Number 1 who’s name was ——–. He asked me what I was in for, to which I replied “Writing on walls..”. I asked him the same question and his reply was “A gun ting blud, a gun ting.”. Oh christ I thought. He was alright though (as gun nuts come) and made me laugh. Then in came this black kiddie called ——- who was in for assault and seemed quite alright. Chatted to them in the cell about shitloads of bollocks. They tried to teach me Blackjack but it was too clever for me. Had some shit food and then had a bit of Association and chatted to a couple of writers from London, one of whom had heard about me from some paper!. Went back my cell, watched the Simpsons, and then The Italian Job remake came on the DVD channel (at Rochester there is a channel that the guv plays DVDs on.. Kind of like prison cinema. You are also allowed 24 hour TV at standard level..). Naturally it was a pile of bollocks.. Haha, then Scum came on on C4 which was a laugh, though my cellmates hated the ending for some reason. Crashed out

Day 7 (Thursday 25th August 2005)Feltham / Brighton

Who really cares about what happened in prison this day? This was the day I got out!
Heard a few stories about the usual; got told I could appeal so made some split second decisions. Fucking hell, I rushed up so hard when the screw came in a told me I could leave. Bid farewell and got the fuck out of prison, freestyling to myself as I walked along the Rochester pavement. Got the Train back to my mum’s for champers..

So yeah.. My advice is try to avoid going, because although I have some funny memories, it was pretty nerve-wracking being in there and full of people you thought were only rappers’ split-personalities.

Yeah that’s your lot..